KNEAD a RIGHT SPIRIT in ME!

Psalms 51:10, "Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me."

This scripture has resounded in my heart and mind all week.  

What do you do when someone you know and love are battling issues in their life and it seems like they don't want to get better or desire for change?  They enjoy their dysfunction because it creates attention.  Negative or Positive, it's attention and they thrive on it.  I've faced this in my own life and I must confess, I am definitely NOT the poster child for 'how to' respond to these actions.  I've been overwhelmed with anger lately.  Anger has been a closer friend to me than laughter and happiness.  Once again, I've let a negative emotion control my daily behavior and actions.  I'm not proud of this, in fact, I'm mad at myself for allowing this particular emotion to make its way back into my life again.  

As I have been faced with this ugly faced monster I call anger, I recalled my therapy sessions during my divorce, in which my counselor encouraged me to feel every emotion I faced.  Embrace every feeling that came my way, so that I wouldn't have to deal with that emotion in that way again.  It worked for me then, but it's not working for me now.

So over the past few days, I tried something new.  I decided that if I stayed in my own little world and did me own thing and tried not to avail myself in the area that was causing me such anger, then I could face my emotions, feel that emotion and deal with it accordingly, without getting into the middle of the issues from which these emotions were stemming.  I've infamously coined the phrase, "I love some people, but I don't like them".... which I still live by, but God is dealing with me in this area.  I must admit, I don't like what I'm learning but I know it's for my good.  God is teaching me some things right now and it's grinding my skin, but I know a good buffing is what I need.  He's just getting rid of the excess that I don't need.   It's just dead skin.

This one scripture is ringing in my soul...'create in me a clean heart'.  Every day this week God has either spoke through someone or shown me in a devotion that no matter how I feel on the inside, sometimes I have to take actions on the outside that may conflict with my inner man.  Let me just say for the record...I DON'T LIKE IT!!!  Based on my former therapy sessions, I was taught that I didn't have to act like something I didn't feel.  I do agree with that, however, God is speaking to me that I must ask him to KNEAD in my heart the right spirit.  The right emotions to deal with the issues at hand.  In other words...create in me a CLEAN heart.  That word, CLEAN means showing or having no record of offenses or crimes.  That's right!  No matter what offenses or crimes have been committed....I must ask God for a CLEAN heart.

God has been telling me that He UNDERSTANDS why I feel and have been acting the way I have, BUT it's UNACCEPTABLE!!!  I thought I was right to embrace my anger and express the validity of why I felt the way I did towards certain issues that I've been dealing with, personally.  However, God has shown me over the past few days that although my feelings are valid they are UNACCEPTABLE, and I need to GROW UP and DEAL WITH IT!!!  

I confess, I'm not there yet, so I'm not going to run out and wave a flag of surrender to the anger I'm experiencing.  I will say, I hear what God is saying, and I'm working on that area of my life and pledge to do better day by day.  I'm not an overnight success in this department.  It takes me time to process my anger.  But, I will say, I always manage to get through it in time.  So, this is me, today...October 23, 2010...getting through my anger and focusing on being better.  

Not sure if this is for anyone else but for myself to see in writing.  Either way, I've learned this week to pray for God to KNEAD a RIGHT spirit in me and create in me a CLEAN HEART.  Hopefully, soon, I can report that, despite my feelings on the inside, I was able to walk in God's unfathomable GRACE towards the issues that have held me in bondage.

Are You Living a Lie?

I woke up this morning wondering how many people are living a lie?  Walking to the pulpit this morning in churches across the nation greeting the congregation with a smile on their face and encouraging words streaming from their mouths.  Or maybe, stepping up to lead the singing, teaching a class, leading a youth group...tomorrow some may head to a job that you own but despise because it's just not what you desire to do anymore.  Or was the desire ever truly there?


I can only identify with where I came from, which is ministry.  I looked back on my life in the ministry, over 30 yrs. of serving.  I started when I was 14.  I had so many blessed years and I did enjoy many times.  I just got mixed up with what was my calling and what was someone else's calling.  You see, there were certain areas of ministry I wasn't called to serve in.  My gifting wasn't in certain areas but I found myself working in those areas because of my spouse who was called to serve in that area.  Let's say, I was a casualty of war, so to speak.  I agreed to 'submit' to the desire and dreams of the spouse in my life because that was His desire and dream, but I realized over time that it wasn't mine.  I was living a lie.  I was going through the motions.  Oh I knew, all to well, how to play the role, but it wasn't my calling.  It wasn't my dream.  It wasn't my desire.  People were so kind to compliment me and prophecy over me telling me of things to come in my ministry and role as a leading lady.  But honestly, I felt nothing.  I lived under so much condemnation that I wasn't good enough, I couldn't keep up with the other Pastor's wives.  I wasn't the eloquent speaker some of them were, and I struggled anytime I had to address the congregation.  I wondered why, for so long, why couldn't I be at ease with this position?  What was wrong with me?  Why couldn't I fit the mold?


I didn't fit the mold!  Because it wasn't mind to fill! This revelation saved my life!  My spouse may have been called, appointed & anointed to serve in this capacity, but that armor didn't fit me!  It wasn't my dream, it wasn't my desire.  That's why I think I lost myself for so long.  I agreed to follow and support the dreams and desires of my spouse, because, after all, that's what women are suppose to do, right?  NO!  Now, don't run out and close the door on your relationships because I think it's OK to have your own voice, even if it doesn't fit into your husband's idea of what the destiny your living is all about.  But I am saying, it's OK to have your OWN hopes and dreams.  Even if it's not the same as your spouse.  Now I know I'm not going to get a lot of support about this.  This may be one of the most controversial subjects I've discussed.  But that's your choice to disagree.  All I know, is when I stopped living a lie, I met God on a WHOLE new level.  So many church people are hurt today because some of the leaders in the church shouldn't be leading....REASON is because they are NOT called or anointed to do so.  Trust me, the wrong person out front will lead you down the wrong road.  You've heard the saying time and time again...hurting people hurt people. 


Fake smiles, Fake conversations, Fake handshakes and neck hugs....I'm glad that I don't live a lie anymore.  I can serve God with a WHOLE heart now and praise HIM with gladness in my heart and when I smile or hug someone...it's REAL!  Not everything I did in my past in ministry was fake, but I confess, I was living a lie.  Not all of it was truly my calling.  Some, yes....but not all.  


I feel for those in leadership positions, serving because of someone else's desires and dreams in life.  But what about YOURS?  Does God only care for one of you and supply the fulfillment of only one your dreams and goals in life?  I don't know about your God, but mine doesn't.  I thank God for those who are serving and ARE Called to the office they fill.  But God help those that are living a lie.  I pray that more leaders will become honest with themselves and their congregations and start following their own hopes and dreams.  I mean why would God create us all differently and then tell us we can only have one vision in our home.  I hope that each of my kids have their own personal goals and dreams outside of mine or their father's.  I have finally found my way!  I have new dreams and goals.  I'm 44 and starting over with my life and have never felt better or experienced the fullness that life and GOD is giving me in this present moment.


Don't let life pass you by...you only have ONE to live....don't live a lie!

Let's Get LOADED!!!

I have been watching my boyfriend, Ryan, for the past 16 weeks diet and train for a National Bodybuilding Competition.  I've been around him for the past 3 yrs. as he has competed for various competitions and each one is somewhat the same but learning something new each time he goes through this cycle.  It's amazing to watch the process.  I'm in awe of the extreme discipline that is demanded for this sport.

As I observe the process I'm noticing different things that ring true in everyday life.  One of the main things is 'deprivation'.  Deprivation means the lack or denial of something considered to be a necessity.  You see in order for Ryan to achieve his goal he has to go through a process of building during his off season.  He works hard in the gym to increase his workload by adding weight to each exercise.  He targets every muscle in the body to make sure each intricate muscle is being challenged and stretched to become bigger and better.  It takes time to build muscle and it comes by increasing weight and taking in proper Protein.  I'll watch him digest enormous amounts of food in off season and indulge in all of his favorite foods.  Build...Build...Build, is the motto!  However, when it comes time to begin dieting and training for a competition it's 'cut back' or 'deprivation' time.  So at around 16 weeks out from a competition he'll begin to  altar his diet, cutting out certain foods and condiments.  Little by little, week after week, until he gets to about a month out and then the real deprivation starts.  He's still functional, mentally & physically during the early weeks of this dieting/training process, but towards the end is when there are noticeable changes that begin to take place, not only physically, but also in his psyche.  

As Ryan approaches one week out from Nationals, the wear and tear on his body is beginning to take a toll mentally. His capacity to remember things is altered, the ability to physically walk across the room at times can be taxing.  Just to be able to complete his workouts and diet regimen in the day is an enormous task that is draining every ounce of his nature.  

You may ask what this has to do with anything?  Sometimes God allows us to go through a season of 'deprivation'.  He removes  all the excess out of our lives.  We feel emotionally drained, fragile, listless.  God will remove certain people that he knows are not meant to be in your life, or maybe he'll take you out of a job that may possibly be keeping you from pursuing your dreams and destiny.  He may even move you to a city where you know no one just to set you in the right place so He can speak into your life.  Whatever your deprivation is, it is for your good.  BUT, I have good news.  You see what happens when you finally, get through this stage of deprivation, you start loading up!  What I mean by that is... after Ryan deprives himself and gets completely depleted he begins a process called 'carb loading'.  What this does is fill his muscles out so that he has that healthy look again.  His body is ridded of all the excess but full at the same time and he begins to feel normal again.

This is what it's all about...ridding ourselves of all the unwanted excess so that when it's time to fill up again, we are at our BEST!  God wants to prepare us for our destiny and our time to shine!  So if you've been feeling depleted lately, take courage!  God is just getting you ready for a time of LOADING UP!  Filling you with what he has planned for your future!  I sure don't mind the depletion, if I can get LOADED!!!

Today marks one week from his National competition in Atlanta, GA.  We have no idea how he will place but if there is one thing we do know, he will be in the BEST shape of his life at this time next week!  He has told me many times, that although his desire is to win or even place, as long as he feels he's better than last year and has made enormous improvements he feels like a winner already!  Now that's the attitude of a Champion!

He Inhabits Your Praise!

Today, I began to read some of my old journals that I had poured my heart and soul into during my divorce.  As I thumbed through one of the journals, I noticed myself writing the same things over and over.  I was so lost during that season of my life.  I remember the heaviness all too well.  In one breath, I was so depressed that I couldn't see where there was any chance of life getting better.  In the next breath, I expressed feelings of empowerment and the ability to conquer the world.  Truly a  roller coaster of emotions.  I wrote about the time when I felt everything I had helped build and create had been taken from me like a newborn being ripped out of his mother's arms.  One day, I could look around and say, 'Look at what God helped us build', to the next day, driving by those things and saying, 'Look at the baby that was stolen from me'.  Trying to resolve in myself that I would no longer be able to lay claims on something I was so instrumental in building/birthing.  It was like a death to me emotionally.  I grieved for so long over the losses.  To see, what was once yours and not be able to touch it or show it off as being apart of you was devastating.


Then it came to me...read these passages again.  So I did.  Read it again. So I did.  I reread these writings several times, when it finally jumped out to me.  I...Me...Things.  I was so focused on my pain from the losses, I didn't take the time to tell God, "THANK YOU", for allowing me to have given birth to this dream.  And although, it may not be something I can be apart of now, it will forever be something that God used me, for a time, to fulfill a purpose he needed to complete.  It's like raising kids, God uses you to give birth to them, He allows you to raise them and nourish them, but there comes a time when you have to let them go.  That's what I needed to see and hear.  It was just my time to 'let go'.  


There are things in our lives, that God has given us to take care of and nourish.  I don't know what yours might be, it could be children, a church, elderly parents, etc...  But, it's time to realize it's not about you!  It's about the greater cause...HIM!  We are merely vessels.  He can't fill us with new wine unless we have emptied out from what was in us previously.  I realized that the depression I was in was merely anger with no place to go.  It's time to turn your mourning into dancing, Isaiah 61:3.  Exchange your spirit of heaviness for the garment of praise!  It's time to exchange your POUT for a PRAISE!  Let Go of the former.  Let go of that relationship that is going nowhere!  Let go of the baggage from your past!  Let go of the negativity, the "it's never going to change" attitude!  Let go of that House that has swallowed you up in debt!  Change is a choice! We can choose it today!  Release what you're holding on to so that God can give you what HE wants you to have next!


I have come to learn that, wherever you are start to praise God, because that's when He shows up!  Whatever state you may find yourself in, right now, stop, make a conscious decision to CHANGE or EXCHANGE what is in your possession and begin to PRAISE HIM!  Some kind of way, find you a PRAISE!  Psalms 22:3 says, "But thou art Holy, O thou that inhabitest the praises of Israel."  See, He inhabits, which means to 'live in or occupy', your praise!  Another story comes to mind about Paul & Silas.  At midnight, they began to sing praises, and as they praised there was an earthquake and their chains were loosened and they were set free!  It's time for you to start an earthquake with your praise.  If we only new the power of our praise!


This may only be for me today, but I'm making, yet another, about face in my life. An EXCHANGE, if you will.   I'm puttin' on my praise, because I need HIM to come and 'live in and occupy' the circumstances in my life.  Some people may call it a gamble to let go of what they are holding on to, but I call it FAITH!  I want what's in HIS Hands over what's in mine, any day!