Choices

I had such a full day yesterday.  I was busy with preparation and planning for my daughter's graduation and also my son's graduation.  Filling out announcements, and planning receptions.  I still broke away from my duties and found time to workout, study for my PT exam, play 18 holes of golf and go to dinner with Ryan.  My day was full and I loved it!  As most days, I  thought back to when my life wasn't so full.  Just a few years back, it was very dark and lonely.  I wonder what my kids thought of me?  Even though my family loved and supported me, I wonder if they truly believed I'd get better?  I felt the murmurings of others saying I'd never recover fully, and I had peaked in my career and life.  I began to lose faith in myself, because it had been so long since anything really good had happened for me.  I just knew that what I had was going to be the best I'd ever have again in my life.  There was no way anyone was going to want a 40 something year old divorcee' with 2 kids, 2 dogs, depressed, overweight and out of shape woman with  a Shipload of  drama from the past.  I had girlfriends around me that, since my divorce, had gotten divorced themselves, met someone, married them and moved on with their lives.  Meanwhile, I was doing the same thing everyday, which was really nothing, going nowhere and couldn't see any sign of things changing.  I was disgusted with myself!  Who would want me if that's how I viewed myself and circumstances.  I was on a daily dosage of 200 mg of Zoloft and 150 mg of Welbutrin, Xanax as needed and I was taking 3 shots of NyQuil at bedtime just to fall asleep.  Not to mention, the daily intake of alcohol on top of all of that.  I honestly don't know how I survived.  I guess it was truly the 'grace of God'.  

I woke up one day and realized, who would want you, Angie?  Who would want someone that is messed up like you?  Why would God give you something better when you can't even take care of what he's entrusted you with now?  It all became so clear.  I wanted to start kicking myself and beating myself up for all I was doing, but somehow God penetrated the depression I was in and reached my heart, my soul and mind.  He gave me strength to wake up the next morning and helped me to slowly start making 'good choices' one minute at a time, then, an hour at a time which progressed to half a day and then the big one...the nights!  I was used to falling asleep with the lights on and TV full blast.   Finally, before I knew it, I had quit all of the vices that had sustained me.  It wasn't easy, and sometimes I'd fall back into a habit or two, but I have daily recovered from it all.  I can even go to sleep with no sounds on at all.  So, when I looked back yesterday to the full day I had without leaning on old habits, I felt so good!  I thanked God for saving my life and sending me someone wonderful to love and who loves me more than I could ever imagine being loved.  My kids are doing so well and are balanced and pursuing educations and careers.  I am amazed at how God worked it out.  

I don't know if anyone else is going through some of these things or if I'm the only one...but, if you are, let me encourage you and tell you...You Can Change!  You have to make the decision to change first, then, start making positive decisions and choices for your life, little by little, day by day.  Don't overwhelm yourself with the BIG picture.  Just focus on what is at hand and make a right choice concerning that matter.  For me,  I was living life in the fast lane about 8  yrs. ago. I had it all!  But, when my world crumbled, I had to slow down and focus on me and make decisions that made me a better person.  Now, I'm healthy, whole, happy and fulfilled!  God has been so good to me!  

I'll end with a scripture that helped me through this time of my life...2 Corinthians 10:4-5..."Victorious God, I thank you that the weapons with which I fight are not the weapons of the world.  On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.  I demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and I choose to take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

You have to take those thoughts and turn them into obedience to Christ.  You will be challenged from time to time with your 'old man', but be encouraged...you can choose this day whom you will serve!  it all starts with one right decision which will lead to two right decisions, then before you know it...you are there!  Right where God wants you and in a place of Wholeness!