It's the day after the Biggest day of the week for Pastors & their Wives and the pressure begins again. The questions begin...'I wonder how people thought the service went?, I wonder if lives were truly changed?, Did we lose anybody today?, I wonder where Bro. so-in-so was, or was Sis. so-in-so mad at me about something? She sure had a scowl look on her face the whole service. Did we make our budget in the offerings this week?, Will we be able to make payroll?...' the questions go on and on and on. It's been a while since I've had those concerns. I stepped out of that scene about 7 yrs. ago, yet I can still hear the ghostly questions in my mind from time to time. Especially, if I visit a church.
When I woke up this morning something pulled me towards a safe I have in my room that has been collecting dust for the past 4 yrs. Within the locked safe, are all of my journals from my journey over the past 10 years. There are so many secrets and dark things in them, I've stayed away from them until now. I've tried on a number of occasions to read them, but found myself weeping and hyperventilating from the torment my mind was in, not so long ago. Today, I found the courage to delve back in them, and found an entry documenting this time in my life where I was overwhelmed with my duties as Pastor, Pastor's Wife, Mother, Friend, Daughter...oh, yeah and just being ME, whoever that was. You see, there was not a ME. Don't get me wrong, I didn't despise my other roles, I just lost who I was in the process of helping others find themselves. I gave up Me, for the sake of others to find themselves. Not the most healthy path to take, but I took it, nonetheless. At the time of my journal posting, I was so mad at the church and the people in it for stealing my family. Then, when I knew I had given my all to serving the people, there would inevitably be that one person you do the most for, start running their mouth about you. I was really angry...for a long time. I was ready to give up Christianity, Church...the whole ball of wax. Was it truly all worth the sacrifice of my family & my sanity? Is this the extent of my calling? I mean to deal with ungrateful spoiled church folk and cliquish Pastors & their Wives? I apologize for my forthrightness, but these are honest emotions that I went through and I know first hand that a few, and I do mean a few, because I didn't have many 'true' friends as Pastor's Wives, were feeling. There was maybe one or two Pastor's Wives that I felt I could talk to about how I was feeling, but even they, in the end of my reign...lol, disappeared when I needed friends the most. I felt like I was in a Sorority/Fraternity and I had just got voted out.
Where do Pastor's/Pastor's Wives go when they need guidance? It was the burning question, that I lived with for years. I mean, when I went through my divorce, the "man of God" that was suppose to be OUR Pastor decided he didn't need to be MY Pastor anymore. I truly lost faith in the System that was suppose to cover & protect me spiritually....but that's another story for another time. Now that I'm 'out of the loop', so to speak, I can breathe again. I can hear God again. I have a renewed Family. I'm Happy! I let other people's JUNK, clutter my being. God didn't call me or anyone else to be that type of person. He said we are ALL 'the head & NOT the tail'...'above & NOT beneath'.
For Pastor's/Pastor's Wives who are reading this, this may the last one you read because I might have offended you, but I'm talking from MY experience. I'm sure there are many that never went through what I experienced. But, I know there are some that deal with some of these very same issues and have no resolution to glean from for relief or direction. All I can say is, DON'T GIVE UP! If He called you He will equip you for the calling. I didn't have a choice to finish what I started, but some of you don't have a choice to leave when things get tough. God is your strength and will guide you. I encourage you to make time for yourself. You can be of NO help to anyone if you lose yourself in the journey. Saints, if you read this, give your leadership a break! You are not the only people needing attention. God gave you your own spirit man and told you to 'work out your OWN salvation'. Grow Up!
I don't know why I chose to write about this today. But I'm not apologizing for it, because I felt a strong urgency to share my heart. I write this in love and humility. God has renewed my mind & faith in so many areas and I do hope you will open your mind & heart and allow him entrance to do the same for you!
Excellent and sad but true. It's not just pastors and pastor's wives - it's anyone in ministry. U probably don't remember me - I was church secretary at WOF the year you were there as youth pastors. Even just being a secretary - who did I get to talk to or how did one deal with the isolation of being in ministry. Sometimes it takes awhile to get over working in ministry!! Again you said it just right - just how it is or can be and shouldn't!
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