I DID IT!!!

ust a note to say I finally finished my New Year's Resolution from the beginning of this year!  Last October I started on a journey to complete my Master's Personal Training Certification.  When I first signed on for such a fete, I had no idea the depth of information I was about to take on.  When I received all of the curriculum in the mail, the box weighed over 25 lb.s of over 11 books, dvd's, cd's and examination material to be completed a year from the date of delivery.  I began the journey with complete focus and vigor to accomplish every test.  However, about 2 test in I was beginning to feel the weight of it all.  As I started into the final exam, it appeared that I would never finish.  I almost gave up!  It entailed so much and stretched me beyond anything I could have ever imagined.  I blamed my age for not being able to comprehend the literature and kept telling myself that I couldn't do it.

 Finally, after laying the test aside for about 2 months, I woke myself up and dusted off the negativity I was allowing to swallow me up and decided the year had not ended and I could still finish what I started.  After all the fussin' and cussin'...lol...I DID IT!  I finished!  AFter 4 finals I actually achieved my goal.  Test 3 was sent back to me because I had scored an 84 and you must have at least a 90 percent out of 100 to pass each test.  So I corrected some of my mistakes sent it back in and passed it.  Then when the final came around I just knew they would send that one back, but they didn't and today I got my Certification in the mail!

I know this isn't a big deal to a lot of people.  But for a girl that only knew Church stuff, Ministry and Singing to dive into the world of Nutrition and fitness and stretch her self to learn something so out of her box at the age of 44...Let me just toot my horn for a minute...TOOT TOOT...LOl!  I know that may be silly but I thank GOD for not allowing me to give up and being there to remind me in my spirit that I could do it!

Let this little testimony encourage some of you that are thinking about going after a goal you've been wanting for yourself but think it's too late....take it from me...

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!!!  YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH ALL YOUR HEART'S DESIRES AND DREAMS!!!  Let this be your year to go after something you want! You deserve to be happy and feel accomplishment! 

Remember, this SEason, Christmas, Christ's birth...Jesus, came that you might have life and have that life MORE ABUNDANTLY!!!

Merry Christmas! 

Not a BEST Friend...but a MOTHER!

The Word of God says to, "bring up a child in the way they should go...".  


This is exactly what my Mother did.  I must say, I am so glad that my Mother chose NOT to be my BEST Friend, but rather the BEST Mother a girl could have asked from God.  I'm thankful that my mom chose to be a role model in my life and show me the way I should go, rather than try to be my best friend and hang out with me and try to talk my language and run around with me and my friends.  


My Mom celebrates her Birthday tomorrow, December 16th and I just wanted her to know how blessed I have been to have a woman of God that I could truly admire and look up to and aspire to emulate in my life.  I know I'll never rise to her level of Godliness and talent as both Mother and Woman of God.  However, I strive daily to be a reflection of 1/10th of the lady she has been in my life.  


As a Mother myself, I know I have failed in many ways.  However, I pick myself up and try and try again to set an example that my kids will admire and respect the older they get.  


I encourage all Mothers to not give up on being a positive example to their kids.  No matter what you've done, where you've drifted to in life and maybe bad decisions you've made for your kids or family.  There is always a 2nd chance, or in my case a Millionth chance, to do right.  It's NEVER too late!  Don't think you can't make a difference. Your kids are waiting on you to be ALL THAT YOU CAN BE!  Start today in making a change for the better for you & your kids!


I always thought next to the Virgin Mary there was my Mom, because she was always so Godly.  But you know, I Love that about her!  She has caused me to challenge myself to be the BEST ME I can be, even if it's not on her level, I can still be a PHENOMENAL Woman and Mother to my kids.


I Love you, MOM!  Thank you for being YOU!  You've been the GREATEST example of the VIRTUOUS WOMAN!


HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Learning to say No

Why is it when we stand up for ourselves, some call this selfish?  One should have the right to draw a line in their personal life and say ENOUGH!  If you don't look out for you, who else will?  For most of us, we've been taught all our lives to believe in ourselves and trust our hearts and make decisions that are in our best interest.  However, when we do, the opposite happens.  We are perceived as being self-centered, not caring, and selfish.  

Time to stop walking on 'pins & needles', I say.  I'm already contemplating the New Year and what I desire to better myself.  One of the areas I need to cultivate is the area of saying, No, to some things.  We can be so tuned in to saying Yes to everyone we want to make a good impression on, that we neglect ourselves and our own personal beliefs and standards.

It's OK to set personal boundaries.  It's OK to say No sometimes.  Trust your intuition (spirit man), it's in you for a reason.  God didn't call you to save everyone!  He sent His only son, Jesus to die on the cross for that reason.  He called us, so that the World might be saved through our testimony and gentle journey on a daily basis with Him.  I'm learning more and more each day, that I am more effective for my family and friends, when I live my life as it would please the Lord and not man.  Sometimes, I catch myself saying Yes to many things I am not required to say Yes too.  I step back, look at my priorities, then organize them in a way that pleases the Father and not others.  In the end, we are responsible for us!  

Remember, you can't save everyone, but, you can save YOU!  By saving yourself, you help others.  As crazy as it might sound, it really is true.  Don't let others allow you to feel condemnation for not being readily available at their moments notice.  Listen for God's voice in your life, and he will direct your path.  You'll witness frustration, anxiety and anger begin to fall off your life as you shake those things loose that you've said Yes to for so long, that now you are saying No.  

No is not always a bad word.  It can actually save you years of frustration.  Just listen closely to the voice inside and you'll know when your NO fits!

Oh Give Thanks!

Thanksgiving is upon us!  I love this time of year.  It can be overwhelming if you don't take control.  Many people get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of making things happen for everyone else that they forget to take the time to breathe in all the little moments that occur all around us.  I've been guilty of this so many times.  I'm learning, with each new year, to take it all in...even the craziness...especially the craziness.  I do my share of hosting the families and baking and cooking until I have food dye in my fingernails and running mascara from all the onion cutting.  I wouldn't trade one stained nail or one tear shed for all of it!  I LOVE IT!!!


Take the time to renew old traditions and start new ones with those you love.  Don't get stuck in the rut or humdrum of  this just being another year.  Make this one different!  Make a difference!  Start with yourself!  


I'm so thankful for it all!!!  YES, even the bad stuff!  If I hadn't experienced the pain of rejection, I wouldn't know the warm feeling of acceptance.  If I hadn't felt the pain of loss, I wouldn't know what it feels like to live in abundance.  If I hadn't let go of things that were holding me back, I wouldn't be able to rejoice in the new and fresh things that are propelling me towards my Destiny!


It is the sum ingredients of the GUMBO that I call my Life!  A little bit of everything.  I've experienced it all, but I'm thankful that NONE of it has taken me out!  I'm still standing!  I'm stronger than ever!  I'm happier than I've ever been and more excited about my future than I could ever put into words!  I could have given up many times, but I practiced the Words of David...'I encouraged myself in the Lord!'.


Encourage yourself this Holiday!  Don't let the Scrooge Spirit come and steal the Spirit of God that resides on the inside of  youl!  Give Thanks! We all have something to be thankful for.  Your situation is no worse than someone else's, so plant your feet, hold your head up high, put a smile on your face and GIVE THANKS!  This year is almost over and a New Year awaits with even greater opportunities and a fresh start.  The way you go into something new, rests on the attitude of the way you left the former.


Oh, Give Thanks!

I'm Living in a NEW ERA!

The alarm went off this morning at  7 a.m., I rolled out of bed threw on my warm-up and tennis shoes.  I grabbed my IPod, earphones and I was out the door.  As I began my walk, I stared to go down the list of 'to do's' for the day/week.  "So what's the date?"  Ok, today is the 8th of November.  I have to do this by the 10th, that by the 15th and then I've got this on the 20th...I was laying out everything, in my head, that needed to be done.  Then it hit me...the 8th...there's something significant about this date, but what is it?  I kept coming back to it, the 8th, the 8th, the 8th...then it hit me!  Today marks the 5 year mark of my divorce.  WOW!  I couldn't believe it!  Not that I couldn't believe it had already been 5 years, but rather that I had forgotten and had to stir up my memory bank to remember why this date was significant.


For me, this is a miracle!  A major accomplishment!  For so long, I dredged my body, mind & soul through the mud and crud of that terrible season of my life...divorce.  I thought I'd never forget anything that happened.  Slowly, but surely, day by day, as I got further away from that season, I forgot.  I let go of one more thing.  I released one more pain, one more hurt, one more bad memory.  It's amazing what time can do.  My Dad told me all along, 'Let time be your best friend'.  I hated it when he told me that, but he was right!  Time had been my friend.  Five years...WOW!


I have found numbers to be symbolic in my life.  I don't live my life according to them, but they have significance to me and meaning at times.  I don't think it's ironic that my divorce was finalized on the 8th, five years ago.  Five is the number of completion and Eight is the number of NEW BEGINNINGS!  I am celebrating today complete wholeness!  I can honestly say, God has healed me from my past!  I'm not bitter, I'm not angry, I don't hate anyone...I'm healed!  I'm so glad, that I didn't rush out and marry the first person to come into my life after my divorce, and I'm so glad I didn't settle for what was in my life at that time.  I've waited and allowed TIME to be my friend.  Oh, I haven't done everything right, and I've made many mistakes along the way, but, I never let those mistakes define me or defeat me.  I always picked myself back up and start over.


I have a wonderful relationship with an amazing man now!  I couldn't have this peaceful and trusting relationship if I hadn't gone through all the JUNK I had to go through, alone.  I needed those years to get rid of the baggage I carried.  Now, I'm in a NEW ERA!  Not a new season.  You see, seasons come & go, but an era, now that's longer!  This ERA of my life will catapult me into my ultimate DESTINY!


Don't let life push you to rushing into something that isn't meant to be.  TIME!  Let TIME be your friend.  Know how to be comfortable with being alone.  Know how to make your own decisions.  Know what your personal 'likes & dislikes' are and have your own friends.  Know what makes you 'tick' and don't settle for anything less than God's BEST!


It's time we stop living from Season to Season and start living in a NEW ERA!

'Tis the Season...It's YOUR Season!

'Tis the season...the Holidays are upon us! Every year about this time I get nostalgic.  I love the holidays!  Growing up it was so much fun!  Family, Food, Giving, Receiving....as a child, I was more excited about what I was getting.  As an adult, I look forward to giving so much more.  


I know it's been a tough year for so many, and the year isn't over yet.  I hope that despite the economy and the financial and physical struggles that so many have had to face, that somewhere within we can all find a little seed of hope from which to build.  I have an expectancy for GREAT things!  I'm believing for unprecedented miracles this season.  I'm pledging to STRETCH my FAITH this season and BELIEVE for favor!


After coming through the greatest storm of my life, I remember the loneliness of the holidays past.  I grieved through so many of them I've lost count.  Once I found myself again, and started building something new, I've come to realize that I wasted so much time and energy grieving for something that was not meant to be.  I was praying for something God was trying to release me from.  A 'tug of war', so to speak.  Once I let go, a freshness awaited me that I can't explain.  I had to let go of old traditions and start new ones.  I had to let go of the familiar and focus on a new path.  It's been a ReBirth!  An exciting time for me and my family.  Scary at times, but rewarding!  


I encourage you this season, to 'let go' of the past.  Maybe some of you are going through a separation, divorce, or maybe it's a first Holiday season without a loved one.  Whatever your lot,  pledge to let go of the way some things used to be and start some fresh and new traditions that will pave the way for the BRIGHT future that awaits!


'Tis the Season...It's YOUR Season!  Make it FRESH, make it HAPPY, make it YOURS!!!

KNEAD a RIGHT SPIRIT in ME!

Psalms 51:10, "Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me."

This scripture has resounded in my heart and mind all week.  

What do you do when someone you know and love are battling issues in their life and it seems like they don't want to get better or desire for change?  They enjoy their dysfunction because it creates attention.  Negative or Positive, it's attention and they thrive on it.  I've faced this in my own life and I must confess, I am definitely NOT the poster child for 'how to' respond to these actions.  I've been overwhelmed with anger lately.  Anger has been a closer friend to me than laughter and happiness.  Once again, I've let a negative emotion control my daily behavior and actions.  I'm not proud of this, in fact, I'm mad at myself for allowing this particular emotion to make its way back into my life again.  

As I have been faced with this ugly faced monster I call anger, I recalled my therapy sessions during my divorce, in which my counselor encouraged me to feel every emotion I faced.  Embrace every feeling that came my way, so that I wouldn't have to deal with that emotion in that way again.  It worked for me then, but it's not working for me now.

So over the past few days, I tried something new.  I decided that if I stayed in my own little world and did me own thing and tried not to avail myself in the area that was causing me such anger, then I could face my emotions, feel that emotion and deal with it accordingly, without getting into the middle of the issues from which these emotions were stemming.  I've infamously coined the phrase, "I love some people, but I don't like them".... which I still live by, but God is dealing with me in this area.  I must admit, I don't like what I'm learning but I know it's for my good.  God is teaching me some things right now and it's grinding my skin, but I know a good buffing is what I need.  He's just getting rid of the excess that I don't need.   It's just dead skin.

This one scripture is ringing in my soul...'create in me a clean heart'.  Every day this week God has either spoke through someone or shown me in a devotion that no matter how I feel on the inside, sometimes I have to take actions on the outside that may conflict with my inner man.  Let me just say for the record...I DON'T LIKE IT!!!  Based on my former therapy sessions, I was taught that I didn't have to act like something I didn't feel.  I do agree with that, however, God is speaking to me that I must ask him to KNEAD in my heart the right spirit.  The right emotions to deal with the issues at hand.  In other words...create in me a CLEAN heart.  That word, CLEAN means showing or having no record of offenses or crimes.  That's right!  No matter what offenses or crimes have been committed....I must ask God for a CLEAN heart.

God has been telling me that He UNDERSTANDS why I feel and have been acting the way I have, BUT it's UNACCEPTABLE!!!  I thought I was right to embrace my anger and express the validity of why I felt the way I did towards certain issues that I've been dealing with, personally.  However, God has shown me over the past few days that although my feelings are valid they are UNACCEPTABLE, and I need to GROW UP and DEAL WITH IT!!!  

I confess, I'm not there yet, so I'm not going to run out and wave a flag of surrender to the anger I'm experiencing.  I will say, I hear what God is saying, and I'm working on that area of my life and pledge to do better day by day.  I'm not an overnight success in this department.  It takes me time to process my anger.  But, I will say, I always manage to get through it in time.  So, this is me, today...October 23, 2010...getting through my anger and focusing on being better.  

Not sure if this is for anyone else but for myself to see in writing.  Either way, I've learned this week to pray for God to KNEAD a RIGHT spirit in me and create in me a CLEAN HEART.  Hopefully, soon, I can report that, despite my feelings on the inside, I was able to walk in God's unfathomable GRACE towards the issues that have held me in bondage.

Are You Living a Lie?

I woke up this morning wondering how many people are living a lie?  Walking to the pulpit this morning in churches across the nation greeting the congregation with a smile on their face and encouraging words streaming from their mouths.  Or maybe, stepping up to lead the singing, teaching a class, leading a youth group...tomorrow some may head to a job that you own but despise because it's just not what you desire to do anymore.  Or was the desire ever truly there?


I can only identify with where I came from, which is ministry.  I looked back on my life in the ministry, over 30 yrs. of serving.  I started when I was 14.  I had so many blessed years and I did enjoy many times.  I just got mixed up with what was my calling and what was someone else's calling.  You see, there were certain areas of ministry I wasn't called to serve in.  My gifting wasn't in certain areas but I found myself working in those areas because of my spouse who was called to serve in that area.  Let's say, I was a casualty of war, so to speak.  I agreed to 'submit' to the desire and dreams of the spouse in my life because that was His desire and dream, but I realized over time that it wasn't mine.  I was living a lie.  I was going through the motions.  Oh I knew, all to well, how to play the role, but it wasn't my calling.  It wasn't my dream.  It wasn't my desire.  People were so kind to compliment me and prophecy over me telling me of things to come in my ministry and role as a leading lady.  But honestly, I felt nothing.  I lived under so much condemnation that I wasn't good enough, I couldn't keep up with the other Pastor's wives.  I wasn't the eloquent speaker some of them were, and I struggled anytime I had to address the congregation.  I wondered why, for so long, why couldn't I be at ease with this position?  What was wrong with me?  Why couldn't I fit the mold?


I didn't fit the mold!  Because it wasn't mind to fill! This revelation saved my life!  My spouse may have been called, appointed & anointed to serve in this capacity, but that armor didn't fit me!  It wasn't my dream, it wasn't my desire.  That's why I think I lost myself for so long.  I agreed to follow and support the dreams and desires of my spouse, because, after all, that's what women are suppose to do, right?  NO!  Now, don't run out and close the door on your relationships because I think it's OK to have your own voice, even if it doesn't fit into your husband's idea of what the destiny your living is all about.  But I am saying, it's OK to have your OWN hopes and dreams.  Even if it's not the same as your spouse.  Now I know I'm not going to get a lot of support about this.  This may be one of the most controversial subjects I've discussed.  But that's your choice to disagree.  All I know, is when I stopped living a lie, I met God on a WHOLE new level.  So many church people are hurt today because some of the leaders in the church shouldn't be leading....REASON is because they are NOT called or anointed to do so.  Trust me, the wrong person out front will lead you down the wrong road.  You've heard the saying time and time again...hurting people hurt people. 


Fake smiles, Fake conversations, Fake handshakes and neck hugs....I'm glad that I don't live a lie anymore.  I can serve God with a WHOLE heart now and praise HIM with gladness in my heart and when I smile or hug someone...it's REAL!  Not everything I did in my past in ministry was fake, but I confess, I was living a lie.  Not all of it was truly my calling.  Some, yes....but not all.  


I feel for those in leadership positions, serving because of someone else's desires and dreams in life.  But what about YOURS?  Does God only care for one of you and supply the fulfillment of only one your dreams and goals in life?  I don't know about your God, but mine doesn't.  I thank God for those who are serving and ARE Called to the office they fill.  But God help those that are living a lie.  I pray that more leaders will become honest with themselves and their congregations and start following their own hopes and dreams.  I mean why would God create us all differently and then tell us we can only have one vision in our home.  I hope that each of my kids have their own personal goals and dreams outside of mine or their father's.  I have finally found my way!  I have new dreams and goals.  I'm 44 and starting over with my life and have never felt better or experienced the fullness that life and GOD is giving me in this present moment.


Don't let life pass you by...you only have ONE to live....don't live a lie!

Let's Get LOADED!!!

I have been watching my boyfriend, Ryan, for the past 16 weeks diet and train for a National Bodybuilding Competition.  I've been around him for the past 3 yrs. as he has competed for various competitions and each one is somewhat the same but learning something new each time he goes through this cycle.  It's amazing to watch the process.  I'm in awe of the extreme discipline that is demanded for this sport.

As I observe the process I'm noticing different things that ring true in everyday life.  One of the main things is 'deprivation'.  Deprivation means the lack or denial of something considered to be a necessity.  You see in order for Ryan to achieve his goal he has to go through a process of building during his off season.  He works hard in the gym to increase his workload by adding weight to each exercise.  He targets every muscle in the body to make sure each intricate muscle is being challenged and stretched to become bigger and better.  It takes time to build muscle and it comes by increasing weight and taking in proper Protein.  I'll watch him digest enormous amounts of food in off season and indulge in all of his favorite foods.  Build...Build...Build, is the motto!  However, when it comes time to begin dieting and training for a competition it's 'cut back' or 'deprivation' time.  So at around 16 weeks out from a competition he'll begin to  altar his diet, cutting out certain foods and condiments.  Little by little, week after week, until he gets to about a month out and then the real deprivation starts.  He's still functional, mentally & physically during the early weeks of this dieting/training process, but towards the end is when there are noticeable changes that begin to take place, not only physically, but also in his psyche.  

As Ryan approaches one week out from Nationals, the wear and tear on his body is beginning to take a toll mentally. His capacity to remember things is altered, the ability to physically walk across the room at times can be taxing.  Just to be able to complete his workouts and diet regimen in the day is an enormous task that is draining every ounce of his nature.  

You may ask what this has to do with anything?  Sometimes God allows us to go through a season of 'deprivation'.  He removes  all the excess out of our lives.  We feel emotionally drained, fragile, listless.  God will remove certain people that he knows are not meant to be in your life, or maybe he'll take you out of a job that may possibly be keeping you from pursuing your dreams and destiny.  He may even move you to a city where you know no one just to set you in the right place so He can speak into your life.  Whatever your deprivation is, it is for your good.  BUT, I have good news.  You see what happens when you finally, get through this stage of deprivation, you start loading up!  What I mean by that is... after Ryan deprives himself and gets completely depleted he begins a process called 'carb loading'.  What this does is fill his muscles out so that he has that healthy look again.  His body is ridded of all the excess but full at the same time and he begins to feel normal again.

This is what it's all about...ridding ourselves of all the unwanted excess so that when it's time to fill up again, we are at our BEST!  God wants to prepare us for our destiny and our time to shine!  So if you've been feeling depleted lately, take courage!  God is just getting you ready for a time of LOADING UP!  Filling you with what he has planned for your future!  I sure don't mind the depletion, if I can get LOADED!!!

Today marks one week from his National competition in Atlanta, GA.  We have no idea how he will place but if there is one thing we do know, he will be in the BEST shape of his life at this time next week!  He has told me many times, that although his desire is to win or even place, as long as he feels he's better than last year and has made enormous improvements he feels like a winner already!  Now that's the attitude of a Champion!

He Inhabits Your Praise!

Today, I began to read some of my old journals that I had poured my heart and soul into during my divorce.  As I thumbed through one of the journals, I noticed myself writing the same things over and over.  I was so lost during that season of my life.  I remember the heaviness all too well.  In one breath, I was so depressed that I couldn't see where there was any chance of life getting better.  In the next breath, I expressed feelings of empowerment and the ability to conquer the world.  Truly a  roller coaster of emotions.  I wrote about the time when I felt everything I had helped build and create had been taken from me like a newborn being ripped out of his mother's arms.  One day, I could look around and say, 'Look at what God helped us build', to the next day, driving by those things and saying, 'Look at the baby that was stolen from me'.  Trying to resolve in myself that I would no longer be able to lay claims on something I was so instrumental in building/birthing.  It was like a death to me emotionally.  I grieved for so long over the losses.  To see, what was once yours and not be able to touch it or show it off as being apart of you was devastating.


Then it came to me...read these passages again.  So I did.  Read it again. So I did.  I reread these writings several times, when it finally jumped out to me.  I...Me...Things.  I was so focused on my pain from the losses, I didn't take the time to tell God, "THANK YOU", for allowing me to have given birth to this dream.  And although, it may not be something I can be apart of now, it will forever be something that God used me, for a time, to fulfill a purpose he needed to complete.  It's like raising kids, God uses you to give birth to them, He allows you to raise them and nourish them, but there comes a time when you have to let them go.  That's what I needed to see and hear.  It was just my time to 'let go'.  


There are things in our lives, that God has given us to take care of and nourish.  I don't know what yours might be, it could be children, a church, elderly parents, etc...  But, it's time to realize it's not about you!  It's about the greater cause...HIM!  We are merely vessels.  He can't fill us with new wine unless we have emptied out from what was in us previously.  I realized that the depression I was in was merely anger with no place to go.  It's time to turn your mourning into dancing, Isaiah 61:3.  Exchange your spirit of heaviness for the garment of praise!  It's time to exchange your POUT for a PRAISE!  Let Go of the former.  Let go of that relationship that is going nowhere!  Let go of the baggage from your past!  Let go of the negativity, the "it's never going to change" attitude!  Let go of that House that has swallowed you up in debt!  Change is a choice! We can choose it today!  Release what you're holding on to so that God can give you what HE wants you to have next!


I have come to learn that, wherever you are start to praise God, because that's when He shows up!  Whatever state you may find yourself in, right now, stop, make a conscious decision to CHANGE or EXCHANGE what is in your possession and begin to PRAISE HIM!  Some kind of way, find you a PRAISE!  Psalms 22:3 says, "But thou art Holy, O thou that inhabitest the praises of Israel."  See, He inhabits, which means to 'live in or occupy', your praise!  Another story comes to mind about Paul & Silas.  At midnight, they began to sing praises, and as they praised there was an earthquake and their chains were loosened and they were set free!  It's time for you to start an earthquake with your praise.  If we only new the power of our praise!


This may only be for me today, but I'm making, yet another, about face in my life. An EXCHANGE, if you will.   I'm puttin' on my praise, because I need HIM to come and 'live in and occupy' the circumstances in my life.  Some people may call it a gamble to let go of what they are holding on to, but I call it FAITH!  I want what's in HIS Hands over what's in mine, any day!

Operation...

Ever feel like you're the lifeless body laying on the table of that old OPERATION game?  This is the season I am currently living.  It's like I want to move but I'm hooked up to all of these machines that dictate my lying here.  The machines I'm referring to...everyday mundane responsibilities that don't excite or motivate you but must be done...the clocking in and clocking out of a dead end job for some people...the daily task of making ends meet when you can't find the ends...then there are the ups & downs of those that are close to you that you wish you could fix, but you can't even get your stuff to make sense.   You look at your life and you know it's not bad, compared to others, but still not where you want it to be, flourishing.  


It's the constant prodding from the outside that just keeps 'ticking' you off...like the OPERATION game, for some of you who might remember...you know what I'm talking about...like when somebody else has the tool in hand and reaches in to take the parts out of the body but hit the electrical sides.  That's how it feels!  It feels like someone else is controlling my life...taking out things....taking out my joy, taking out my happiness, taking out my hopes & dreams.  It feels like I don't have a say so, I don't have a choice, I've lost control over everything...


But then I stop myself and realize...it's Ok.  It's not outside circumstances that are removing these things...it's my season of "purging."  There is a scripture that says, "Blessed are the pure in heart:  for they shall see God."  In order for me to "see" God, which means also "to understand" God...I must experience this purging season.  Anything that is pure must first be purged.  God is removing (purging) the things in my life that are preventing me from getting up & on with my life.  I can't go to this new level  until I first purify my heart, thoughts, motives, attitude, words & actions.  I thought once I went through my divorce, that I had experienced the hardest thing I'd ever have to face in my life.  That was just the beginning of what God wanted to use to help bring me to my next level.  Don't get me wrong, I don't believe God makes bad things happen just so he can work on you or get the glory in the end.  He's much bigger than that!  He just takes the things that the devil meant to take us out with, and uses it to build character & strength in us for our next assignment!


I know, today I am where I am suppose to be...9/20/10...I've wallowed in self-pity and loathing for weeks now, kicking and screaming, questioning daily..."What is going on God?"  I still haven't heard Him answer me audibly,  but today I woke up and this scripture came to me, I believe, to help me understand why I am where I am for this time.  Now, I'm Ok, knowing I'm just on His OPERATION table being purged of unwanted chattels that are hindering my next level.

What am I gonna do?

Feeling like these walls that surround me and protect me from the outside elements are slowly collapsing inwardly.  I try to take a deep cleansing breath and find myself grasping for more air.  I can't seem to get enough oxygen.  I take one step forward and the step I take seems to land in a sink hole.  I try to do what's right and yet wrong only prevails.  My friends and loved ones suffer the same sense of helplessness and it grieves me as if it were my own suffering.


What am I gonna do?


How can a lifetime of sacrifice for one's beliefs and giving of oneself produce so much dismay?  At times I want to yell, scream, curse, spit, flail about...run away.  


What am I gonna do?


At times, I smile, at times, I laugh.  Yet behind these eyes are feelings of pain, loss of hope, sickness, questions of why plague me almost daily.


What am I gonna do?


As I go about my daily routine, all of these concerns have followed me, hovered over me and at times tortured me, keeping me from functioning through the most menial tasks.  I've been paralyzed.  Allowing circumstances around me to control my being.  I've been in this, all too familiar, place before but here it is again...staring me in the face and asking...


What am I gonna do?


Sure the easy solution would be to give up!  Despite the comfort and lethargy in quitting, there are no rewards!  I found a quote that says, "You cannot make yourself feel something you do not feel, but you can make yourself do right despite your feelings."


What am I gonna do?


Once again, I pick myself up, out of my pain, out of my sorrow, out of my sadness and I do what the Word commands..."I PRESS..."  There is POWER in the PRESSING!  I'm pushing back!  I'm not allowing these walls to swallow me!  I'm not going to stand still and let what's going on around me to paralyze my advancement!  I am in charge of my destiny....not circumstances.  I refuse to allow, once again, the enemy to sell me his bag of tricks and lies.  It's true you can't change your feelings, they are real, but you can choose how you react and respond to those feelings.  


What am I gonna do?


I'm choosing to get up and get moving!  I'm going to move forward!  Stay active!  Be involved!  Celebrate Life!  Embrace the good things in Life and have a positive attitude towards all the negativity that comes my way.  Even when circumstances say...nothing is ever going to change!  This is as good as it gets!  I will PRESS through those emotions and prove the enemy wrong once again!


I'm gonna do!  ...do whatever I must to stay above the oppression that tries to tackle me.  Today, I am taking action!  I am putting my flesh aside and going through the motions.  Sometimes we have to make ourselves do things, especially when we don't feel like moving, because it is the right thing!  Sitting still and not moving is NOT an option!  DOING is the only option for advancement and change in your life and circumstances!  So I ask you...


What are YOU gonna do?

You ARE Chosen...IN Your Affliction!!!

My heart has been stirring all day...I can't explain why, just a stirring.  I've gone about my day as usual, running errands, cleaning house, working on my PT test, yet distracted at every turn.  Finally, after I got home from my gym trip, I tried to just lay down and take a nap thinking this restless feeling would pass.  Since it didn't I decided to pull the Word out and just surf!  I ran across a scripture that JUMPED out to me!

Isaiah 48:10, " Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee IN the furnace of affliction."

I don't know if this is for anyone else but me, but I decided it was worth thinking on and pontificating.  I have so many friends and family members that are going through so much right now.  It feels as if it were happening to me all over again.  I've been in the 'furnace of affliction', and although I may not be walking in it at present...when someone I love is,  you should just as well include me!  When my loved one's suffer...I suffer.

Let me encourage any who are there...think about how GREAT God is!  I mean, to CHOOSE... YOU... IN...the furnace of affliction!  Let's break this down...the word furnace means to be in an  enclosed structure in which material can be heated to very high temperatures...affliction...something that causes pain or suffering.  You may be feeling an overwhelming sense of 'NO WAY OUT' syndrome!  Saying out loud...'God how will I ever get out of this hole (i.e. situation, financial devastation, sickness, sadness, divorce)  whatever your hole is.  You just feel that even God can't fix your situation.  You can't breathe somedays and even experience panic attacks.  Let me send a little positive praise your way...

The word CHOSE means... to pick out or select.  It goes even further to say, 'as being the BEST or most appropriate of two or more alternatives.  You might think you're 2nd choice or 2nd best at something but hold on....you have been picked or selected AFTER a course of REJECTING alternatives!  WOW!!!  This means  even though you have not been first choice in someone else's life...YOU, my friend are FIRST Choice with GOD! Can you believe that?!!!  YOU were HANDPICKED ...IN your Affliction!  In your Rejection! In and despite your Pain!  Basically, at your worst!

It doesn't matter what your circumstances...what you did or didn't do!  God doesn't stipulate how HE chooses...HE just chooses YOU...IN YOUR AFFLICTION!!!  You don't need to be someone else's First choice, just be God's choice and you are IN!!!

YOU ARE CHOSEN!!!

Get ready to be Chosen! You may feel like your the last to get picked to play on the team, but it doesn't matter WHEN your chosen, just be GOD's CHOICE and when GOD's team wins...YOU WIN!!! Sometimes you don't even have to play in the game...just be part of the team!  Think about it.  World Series, Super Bowl, NBA Finals...all of these teams have key players BUT  even the lowest guy on the team gets a ring if the team wins!

YOU WIN...just because you're on the TEAM!!!  You may not have the strength to play, you may be too injured to get in the game, but God has included you on the winning team and you get the prize in the end!

Hang in There!  God's not finished with you yet!!!

YOU ARE CHOSEN!!!

You ARE Chosen...IN Your Affliction!!!

My heart has been stirring all day...I can't explain why, just a stirring.  I've gone about my day as usual, running errands, cleaning house, working on my PT test, yet distracted at every turn.  Finally, after I got home from my gym trip, I tried to just lay down and take a nap thinking this restless feeling would pass.  Since it didn't I decided to pull the Word out and just surf!  I ran across a scripture that JUMPED out to me!

Isaiah 48:10, " Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee IN the furnace of affliction."

I don't know if this is for anyone else but me, but I decided it was worth thinking on and pontificating.  I have so many friends and family members that are going through so much right now.  It feels as if it were happening to me all over again.  I've been in the 'furnace of affliction', and although I may not be walking in it at present...when someone I love is,  you should just as well include me!  When my loved one's suffer...I suffer.

Let me encourage any who are there...think about how GREAT God is!  I mean, to CHOOSE... YOU... IN...the furnace of affliction!  Let's break this down...the word furnace means to be in an  enclosed structure in which material can be heated to very high temperatures...affliction...something that causes pain or suffering.  You may be feeling an overwhelming sense of 'NO WAY OUT' syndrome!  Saying out loud...'God how will I ever get out of this hole (i.e. situation, financial devastation, sickness, sadness, divorce)  whatever your hole is.  You just feel that even God can't fix your situation.  You can't breathe somedays and even experience panic attacks.  Let me send a little positive praise your way...

The word CHOSE means... to pick out or select.  It goes even further to say, 'as being the BEST or most appropriate of two or more alternatives.  You might think you're 2nd choice or 2nd best at something but hold on....you have been picked or selected AFTER a course of REJECTING alternatives!  WOW!!!  This means  even though you have not been first choice in someone else's life...YOU, my friend are FIRST Choice with GOD! Can you believe that?!!!  YOU were HANDPICKED ...IN your Affliction!  In your Rejection! In and despite your Pain!  Basically, at your worst!

It doesn't matter what your circumstances...what you did or didn't do!  God doesn't stipulate how HE chooses...HE just chooses YOU...IN YOUR AFFLICTION!!!  You don't need to be someone else's First choice, just be God's choice and you are IN!!!

YOU ARE CHOSEN!!!

Get ready to be Chosen! You may feel like your the last to get picked to play on the team, but it doesn't matter WHEN your chosen, just be GOD's CHOICE and when GOD's team wins...YOU WIN!!! Sometimes you don't even have to play in the game...just be part of the team!  Think about it.  World Series, Super Bowl, NBA Finals...all of these teams have key players BUT  even the lowest guy on the team gets a ring if the team wins!

YOU WIN...just because you're on the TEAM!!!  You may not have the strength to play, you may be too injured to get in the game, but God has included you on the winning team and you get the prize in the end!

Hang in There!  God's not finished with you yet!!!

Oh Brother...

Next week will be my younger brother's  41st Birthday.  I was thinking about him and how much time has flown by since we were little tikes running around the church parsonages we lived in growing up in Texas and Louisiana.  Scott was born in Wharton, TX is 6'2" and has blonde hair and blue eyes.  The complete opposite of me.  We were very different in personalities growing up.  The one thing we did share in common, was church and always having people watch every move you make.  We did a lot of wonderful things, growing up together, but our relationship wasn't without conflict.  I was considered, 'little miss perfect' to him and that met with many arguments and much drama.  Our relationship was quite tumultuous.  I didn't really consider us very close because of our differences.  As time went by and we both moved on with our lives, we worked together at times and then we went our separate ways.  There were moments where we loved each other so much we would hurt anyone who tried to come between us.  Then there were times when we couldn't stand being in the same room together and wouldn't speak for months.  


Our lives have experienced many ups & downs, together, as well as, separately.  I must confess, my roller coaster of emotions with my brother have ranged from anger, hurt, pain, love, compassion and every other feeling that is possibly known to man.  


The one thing that I have learned, as I'm maturing in life, is how to appreciate the GREATNESS of my brother, and not the things that irritate me.  My brother is truly a GREAT Man.  I've seen him with his sons and I've watched how he has been such a wonderful Father to them.  He loves his sons and would do anything for them.  My brother, is a GREAT Son.  He has a special bond with my Mom.  He was the only one in the house that could get away with ANYTHING and didn't get his mouth washed out with soap...lol.  Mom always had a 'sweet spot' for him, and he always knows how to make her laugh and still blush.  Scott's bond with my Dad is also very unique, in that, they can sit and discuss the 'deep' things of the Bible for hours.  My brother has such a keen memory of the past it is eerily scary.  He remembers people, places, events, dates....you name it!  He'll bring up memories from over 25 years ago and just amaze me at his accuracy of  that event.  He is a GREAT uncle.  My kids, love Uncle Scott.  He has irritated them and made them laugh all at the same time.  He never meets a stranger and is never without words.  The unique comic side to him is astounding!  My brother is one of the funniest people I have ever known.  He is handsome, dedicated, comedic, faithful, spiritual, supportive, loving but most of all he is my Brother.  He's defended me so many times, even when I wasn't aware.  


Life has truly been a rough road for him, but the thing I appreciate the most is the fact, he's not given up.  You know, someone you love may not always choose the road you pick for them or live their life the way you think they should.  However, it is their life and not yours.  It is their way!  I've learned to do what the Bible says....'shut up and march'!  God uses different people in different ways.  We may be completely different in a lot of ways, but we share the same blood line and I Love my brother VERY much!  I am proud of his determination to fight for his life!  


Choose today to focus on the positives of loved ones in your life, and not the negatives.  Sometimes we have a tendency to be harder on those that are closer to our lives than we are with those we don't even know.  I don't know why that is, but we should extend the same grace & mercy.  We are not perfect, so we should not expect our loved ones to be perfect.  Embrace the POSITIVE and focus on the GREAT attributes of your loved ones.  Sometimes you are the very key that is needed for their recovery.  I'm guilty of not always being there for my loved ones, but I'm trying to change that in my life now.  I'm not perfect but I'm always trying to be better.  Choose LOVE for those who need you.  If you've pushed family members away because you disagree with their choices in life, make a decision to change.  Life is too short to carry grudges and harbor bad feelings.  You don't have to agree with them, but you do need to love them and extend God's hand of mercy.

What's in your DIET?

I was working out in the gym today when I started thinking about this whole process that's consumed my life.   Physical exercise is important for your mental, as well as, physical well-being. You can pick up magazines anywhere and just about any magazine you find will have some section on how to get fit.  They'll give you sample exercises and show you how to execute those specific exercises.  Almost each article you find, you'll also see a section on a healthier diet plan to follow with the specific workout.  At the gym, you have all types that come to get their workout on.  Many faces, in my gym, I've seen for the past few years as I come to execute my own fitness regimen.  Some of these people look the same now as they did a few years back.  Having never changed in their size.  Others, have changed dramatically.  I thought about this and remembered in my studying for my Nutrition exam, that physical exercise is a smaller percentage of achieving your fitness goal than Diet.  Diet is the main source for transforming a person's physique.  You can go to the gym and workout everyday, and you may even lose a few pounds.  However, your diet is what makes up the MAIN difference.  Diet is EVERYTHING!!!  What you put in your body, ultimately determines your physical outcome.


As I pondered this thought, I paralleled this with the spiritual.  Let's take FAITH...the Bible tells us to exercise our FAITH.  So we do.  We 'call those things that are not, as though they are'....we claim things 'in Jesus' Name'...we tell people, when we don't feel well, that we are Healed...we speak positive thoughts believing what we say will come to pass if we believe.   These things are all TRUE!  I stand by them.  I've confessed them myself.  But what I came to realize is that no matter how much you confess and claim and exercise our faith...none of this matters if we don't focus MORE on what we're putting in our spirit.  I'm saying this...by feeding your spirit, with the right DIET, you have to spend more alone time with God.  One on One.  More time in HIS Word, with no distractions.  Watch who you allow to hang out with you.  Who are you spending time with and do they add to or subtract from the spirit of God in you.  What you allow in your spirit, by way of, people and spending time in the Word is your spiritual DIET.  It will either, keep you where you are, or bring you to another level spiritually and then the FAITH that you possess will work for you.  


You see, in the gym, some people just spin their wheels on cardio machines because nothing changes physically.  Their just going in circles because their diets don't change.  So we, as Believers must change our DIETS, spiritually speaking.  Change what we allow into our World!  


Maybe, just maybe, the reason some of our prayers and professions of FAITH haven't been answered or met just yet is because of our DIETS.  What have you allowed in your spirit lately? Does it nourish your spirit or just make you fat?  


Just a thought...

Letting Go...

It's that time of life again...letting go.  When my babies were young, they reached a point where they could stand on their own two feet and wanted to explore their own little world.  So, I put them down and taught them how to walk and I held their hands as they found their footing.  When they discovered they didn't need to hold my hands anymore they let go and off they went.  


Next, there was school.  Preschool, awe, I'll never forget.  It was harder on me than it was on them.  I cried for days the first time I had to drop them off for school.  They were so excited with their new backpacks, colors, new shoes and clothes.  It was so cute but made me sad they were getting so big and independent, but I learned they needed that interaction with other kids to help them begin to learn how to get along with others and follow instruction and teaching from someone else besides me.


Then there came the day, the dreaded age of 16 when, now it's time to get the Driver's License.  I was so nervous.  As I drove each of them, respectively, on their 16th birthday to the DMV.  I sat in the chair and watched them take their exams, then their picture for the license, then out the door with the person that would take them on their driving test.  I chewed my nails and fidgeted in my chair the whole time until they got the "OK, you've passed" sign.  I left the DMV with a knot in my throat and sweat dripping from my forehead.  I thought, man, this is it, their grown I guess I've faced the biggest obstacles I'm going to face as a mother for awhile.


High School came and went and before I knew it, graduation.  I took a deep breath and said, well, you did it!  You got them through all of their major changes and obstacles.  You can rest now and enjoy life.  BAM!  I was SO wrong!  I was blind sided.  The dreaded, Mom, "I'm moving out".  I knew it was going to come one day, I just didn't expect it so soon.  One day I'm holding their hands teaching them how to walk and before you know it, their telling me I'm moving out, Mom and on my own.


What do you do when your whole life has been having and raising kids?  I mean, I had a life that was mine before kids, but I don't remember much about that time.  It has faded in my memory, because my kids have consumed so much of my life.  I've spent more years with them, than I've ever had by myself.  It's like in the blink of an eye, the chaos and constant slamming of doors, the 'Mom, do we have anything to eat?', or 'Mom would you bake me some cookies?', and the 'could you wash this for me', 'would you sign this for me', or 'I need new clothes/shoes', 'I need money for gas', 'can we go...'.....the questions and requests could go on for decades.  You think to yourself when all of these busy times are happening, when will this end?  Then when it does, there's a tremendous overwhelming SILENCE.  Your left with nothing but you and your thoughts.  


The day my two moved out and on their own, the difference for me was, I couldn't stand over them and hold their hands to help maneuver there way to protect them from objects that could harm them.  I have done my part.  I've taught them all I know that is right and tried to instill the things that make up a man and woman of character.  I've exhausted my strength in them.  When they moved out I felt like pieces of me were shattered, and once again, I wanted to just crawl up into a ball and just cry.


The past few weeks have been very trying and mentally exhausting.  I've tried to wrap my brain around why I feel like this when I know it's part of life....letting go.  But, I must tell you I DON'T LIKE IT!!!  God has been speaking to me though, during this quietness.  I'm learning that those kids don't belong to me.  They were sent to me on loan.  God used my womb to bring them into the world and rewarded me by allowing me to share their formative years with them and help direct their paths for life.  Oh, I know they're not going to leave me forever, but they are grown and starting their lives and finding their footing again.  I have to let them go. I have to step back and allow them to start making their own choices, not mine...no matter how difficult.  Sure, I want to go by their apartments/condo and drop in on them.  Sure, I want to call them all day and find out where they are, what they're doing and who is with them.  Absolutely, I want to be all 'up in their kool aid'...lol (as my Aunt Babu would say).  


It's time, though, for me to LET GO!  Not walk out, just LET GO!  If I continue to hold on, then God won't be able to put His hand on them and guide and direct them into their future.  I don't want them to do what I choose, but rather, what God desires for them.  Today, I'm LETTING GO.  I'm kicking and screaming, but I'm LETTING GO and Letting God!


Breathe in, Breathe out!

'To Whom Much is Given...' What's your MUCH?

'To whom much is given, much is required...'.  That's what the Word says and what my parents instilled in me during my formative years.  Here I am 44 years later and those words still ring in my ears.  This quote is a broad statement and encompasses so much.  If you possess a lot of material things then you may be held accountable for more, or, if you have been blessed with knowledge, your expertise may be called upon more than the average thinker.  Could it possibly mean, the calling that God has placed on your life requires you to sacrifice more than your blue collar worker.  I'm not sure, but I think it means all of these things. 


There have been some overwhelming circumstances that have surrounded my life, recently, and for some reason this scripture keeps jumping out of my head and shaking everything inside.  I have grown frustrated with their weaknesses, becoming angry, even irate, over the lack of discipline they have demonstrated.  I mean, seriously, how could they NOT see the good in front of them and choose a positive lifestyle rather than the road they are walking now?  These thoughts have consumed me to the point of causing me physical sickness and lack of sleep.  Why am I being so judgmental?  Who put me in charge?  What right do I have to sit back and criticize how someone else processes life?  Sure, I've had my ups & downs, but if I could pull myself out of despair, how come they can't choose to do the same? 


These thoughts....all consuming thoughts!  These thoughts aren't making me sound like a good person I know, but they are real and I can't ignore them or act like their not torture.  


After, dealing with all of these fault finding thoughts, I found myself on my knees, asking God for forgiveness.  I, too, once battled demons that I didn't think I would ever conquer.  But, this scripture...'to whom much is given, much is required...'.  Why were these words so resounding in my ears and head?  I guess, for me, it was all about GRACE & MERCY.  You see,  I was given a lottery on GRACE & MERCY!  God's GRACE & MERCY, not Mans.  God's GRACE & MERCY see's the weaknesses and faults but, takes us in his arms and keeps us no matter the faults.  He looks beyond it all!  He sees the future of what we can be and the differences we can make if we will be strong enough to CHOOSE His Way!  It wasn't too long ago, I was one of those I've been having contempt for lately. 


I had to do a reality check, and Thank God once again for His GRACE & MERCY and pray that I may be able to do the same for my loved ones in need.


'To whom much is given, Much is required...'.  What's your MUCH?  Mine is GRACE & MERCY.

Tribute to my Dad...

With Father's Day approaching, I wanted to share the thoughts that consume me regarding my Dad.  We each, have our own memories, but I'm especially fond of mine, for many reasons.  I grew up in a "Preacher's Home".  My Mom & Dad were Pastor's and young parents by the age of  21.  I was born in Houston, TX then my parents moved to a couple of other towns in Texas before finally settling down in a little town in SW Louisiana called Jennings.  It was in Jennings where I started Kindergarten and grew up graduating High School in the same town.  My memories of those days are wonderful!  While my Dad was busy building a church, my Mom stayed home and raised a family.  Now, that I'm older and reflect on those years, I remember having a hard time being a 'preacher's kid'.  The eyes of the church people were always on me, judging my every move.  I couldn't sneeze without someone telling my Dad what time and where I was.  Although, we grew up under constant scrutiny, Mom & Dad always tried to keep balance in our lives.  They made time for family vacations, school activities, family get togethers...whatever it was to keep as much of a balanced home as possible.  For some years, I was angry and hurt with my parents because of their choice to be in ministry.  I mean, after all, I didn't choose that lifestyle, why should I have to be apart of their way of living.  It was a selfish thought, but I had it, nonetheless.  As I matured, I began to notice something.  My parents didn't choose their calling, but rather, the calling chose them.  


They were naturals at caring for others.  You see, in many churches today, the Pastor doesn't do what I grew up experiencing first hand.  My Dad made ALL of the visitations.  He visited the sick in the hospital, whether they were dying or just having a minor surgery.  He ministered at the local Nursing home and he actually went to the Saints' houses and prayed for the sick.  He personally dedicated babies, married couples in love and buried the losses of loved ones.  He got in the baptismal in his jeans and a T-Shirt and actually baptized people.  He went to dinner with the church folk.  He took time to support local businesses and give the Benediction at citywide events.  You see, my Dad was a TRUE 'MAN OF GOD'.  Not just one who everyone was told to respect and call 'man of god'.  No, He walked and talked everything he preached.  He lived his life the same in Public as well as at home.  He didn't treat my Mom one way at church and another at home.  He didn't have a level of lifestyle that he had to portray in order to preach about being financially blessed.  He just preached prosperity in ALL forms, not just money.  We were prosperous, and we had less than we do now.  We were prosperous because we had love, honor, hope & faith in our home.  


I am so blessed to have my Dad still with me today.  He is the same Man now that I grew up with many years ago in a little town in Louisiana on Sherman/Roberta AVe..  I've watched Mom & Dad blessed with overflowing blessings and I've seen them lose it all!  They've lost their home, cars, their parents, nieces, nephews, brothers & sisters.  Despite the horrific ups & downs they've had to encounter, I know NO ONE with more character or humility than my Mom & Dad.  Because, this Sunday is Father's Day, I wanted to especially draw attention to the man that has remained faithful, true & steadfast in my life, my Dad.  When I couldn't hold my physical body up on my own two feet,  just a few years ago during my dark hour, my Dad held me then, like he did when I was an innocent little girl.  His arms may be older now, but they gave me that same sense of security that I had growing up.  I am sooooooooo thankful and sooooo blessed to have such a wonderful father.  I know his grandkids are just as proud of him and love him just as much.  I've never heard a negative word or connotation come out of any of their mouths about their Pappy.  He is so respected and looked up too, as their Pappy.  He has balanced ministry & family with grace.  I do wish more preacher's would go back to the 'old school' way of building a church, because men like my Dad, are few and far between, but definitely needed more today!


Dad, I love you!  You are my hero, my confidant, my rock and the first man in my life.  You have shown me how a REAL Man is suppose to treat a lady and what TRUE love looks like.  Thank you just doesn't seem enough for what and who you have been to me and your grandkids.  We honor you!  You deserve the highest reward for your service in the kingdom, but you got us instead!  Hahaha...Love u dearly...angie...your oldest!

It's Taylor's Time...

I woke up this morning thinking, in just under 3 days, my youngest, Taylor, will be graduating from High School.  I remember, like it was yesterday, when I drove into Orlando, FL in a Conversion Van pulling a U-Haul trailer and checked the kids n me in to "Larson's Lodge" in Kissimmee for 2 1/2 weeks waiting for their Dad to come down and meet us as we began the journey of building our future as a family.  Taylor was only 10 months, at the time and we were moving from Columbus, Ohio, where we had worked with Rod Parsley's ministry.  I was a young parent and not sure that the path ahead would be a good one.  While I sat in a Hotel room with just Tori and Taylor, a microwave, baby bed and rocking chair, fear and anxiety about our future began to overwhelm me and tears began rolling down my face.  Questions about whether I would be able to provide for them and give them a good future came crashing in on me in this lonely room.  I looked across the room, and saw Tori laying in one of the double beds, sound asleep and I looked at the foot of her bed, where the crib was resting and Taylor was playing quietly  with his little toys.  At that moment, it's as if he knew what I needed, he smiled at me and in that smile I saw peace.  A comfort that I can't explain.  That smile let me know, he trusted me, loved me and knew I was going to take care of his needs.  


Here we are almost 18 years later, so much has transpired.  Our journey didn't go exactly as planned, but nonetheless, it has brought us to this place, where we are today.  We've been through, building a church, we moved right at 10 times over 17 years, flown all over the Nation.  I've watched my kids learn how to dance at church with 'petite posse', go to church camps, travel to visit family in other states.  I've dealt with Taylor's broken arms, broken ankles, tubes in his ears twice, adnoids removed, 6 teeth pulled, braces, swine flu, chicken pox, broken finger, dislocated arm, divorce of his parents, loss of  2 grandparents...and these are just off the top of my head.  This kid has been through it!  


Even through the battle scars and the pain, I've watched a young man develop into a Man of Greatness! Taylor has taught himself how to play the piano, guitar, and drums.  He writes songs and creates sounds for production.  His talents are as many as his young life's experiences.  Through all of the life changes that have occurred in Taylor's journey, I've watched his character develop.  Some things, I'd like to take credit for teaching him, but there are things that he was just born with...honesty, integrity, fairness, tenderness, joyful, love for God and Country...just to name a few.  


As we embark on this new phase of our journey into Adulthood and "real life", I just wanted to take this little moment I have to say how PROUD I am to have such a wonderful Son in Taylor S. Brown.  Just a few weeks ago we celebrated Tori and her accomplishments, so today is Taylor's turn.  When I gave birth to a HUGE baby boy, 9 lbs. 6 oz. (all natural birth), on July 5th, 1992, I couldn't have asked for anything more than what God gave me.   My son has brought me joy, I can't even explain.  He has a sensitive heart, a good heart.  He is one of the most observant little things, I've ever been around, even as a young boy.  He used to crouch down and hide in the pillows on my couch, and no one would know he was there, just to hear everything going on in the room.  Then he'd ask me lots of questions later about the conversations.  He always liked being around adults.  He never ran with the crowd in school, but always had friends and was respected by students and teachers.  Taylor is a leader!  He has created his own path.  He wants to be a music producer and I fully support his dreams!  He has respected and honored me, as his mother and I couldn't be more proud.


As we approach graduation day, everyone will see this strapping young man take to the podium to receive his honor, but all I will see is my little boy that brought me so much joy.  Everyone has always called Taylor...Momma's boy, and he seemed to be OK with that title.  I hope he never outgrows it!  He'll always be "Tay" to me, and I'll always remember that little smile he gave me in his crib on that day 17 years ago in Kissimmee.  Wednesday, I'll be way up high in the stands at the Amway Arena watching him have his moment below, he won't be able to see me, but I'll see him and I'll be giving him that same smile back letting him know that His future is Bright and everything's gonna be AlRIGHT!!!

Put on Your NIGHT GOGGLES!!!

Today I was reading an entry from one of my journals dated, March 25, 2003.  This was just 1 month after my separation and many mixed emotions are, in and throughout, this particular entry, but, one I find very interesting.  In the midst of my pain, I didn't realize how God was already showing me a way through.  Funny how we don't always see His Hand IN our situation but notice He was there the entire time AFTER we've come through.  It must have been the beginning of the Gulf War and there was enormous coverage on television of everything transpiring in the Middle East.  I journaled a story about some soldiers making a journey to a particular destination with a reporter by the name of David Bloom.  They had been on this journey for about 6 days in the desert and were headed to Baghdad.  David reported later, that it was a treacherous LONG and SLOW journey.  The trucks were only able to move at a pace of 20 mph.  While they were slowly moving forward they had been ferociously bombarded along the way.  He reported 20 casualties, 7 POW's, and numerous wounded in this 6 day battle.  The Infantry was beginning to tire and become discouraged when, in addition to the enormity of loss up to this point, a Sand Storm hit the brigade and virtually paralyzed the troops.  They lost all contact, for a while, with Centcom (Central Command), they hadn't heard the President speak to assure America we were going to win, and they were unable to hear about the small victories that were occurring all around.  The only thing this Infantry could see during their journey was their losses/casualties.  


As I'm reading my own entry about this time of History taking place,  I began to assimilate the events unfolding in my own life.  Although, it seems like my journey is long, and treacherous.  I feel like there have been casualties in my own household and I'm not even sure if survival is an option anymore.  I look around and I can't see anything outside of my own Sand Storm.  I'm paralyzed and blinded by my pain, loneliness and loss.  I feel like there's no way out of this storm.  I've lost contact with my own Centcom (Central Command), which is God.  I can't hear His voice, I can't see Him and the worst....I can't even feel Him.  How will I know what to do, where to go?  When will this Sand Storm end?  What's going on around me?  Is anyone out there?  I've put myself spiritually in the same place that these soldiers were physically and I'm feeling their sense of confusion and doubt.  


Then, all of a sudden, contact was made with this particular Infantry and as the reporter finished telling the story he said what got them through were a couple of things...Night Goggles, that's right!  When the vision of the road they were on began to disappear during the storm the soldiers relied on their training.  You see, their natural man was scared and wasn't sure they could make it through the storm, but their training prepared them for battle and so they knew it was time to pull out the Night Vision Goggles!  These Goggles were created to pierce through the darkness and show the way more clearly.  They were created for this purpose only!  I began to think about how that applied to my life when the Lord showed me in Psalms 119:105, His Word says, "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a LIGHT unto my path".  God's Word is our NIGHT VISION GOGGLES!  Let His Word lead you.  When you don't see clearly and you can't feel him and you've lost all sense of direction in your life and there seems to be no contact with CENTCOM....let His Word guide you!  The last thing I noticed this Infantry did, was to keep moving!  They didn't let the storm halt their mission.  Even though everything was coming against them to prevent advancement, they kept moving forward.  


Don't GIVE UP!  Keep Moving FORWARD!  The pace isn't relative.  It's the fact that you don't stop, you keep advancing.  Any movement is a sign of LIFE!  Just MOVE!!!  Remember, when the path gets confusing and your way seems unclear and you've lost all contact with CENTCOM....put on your NIGHT GOGGLES!!!  His Word will always be your LIGHT to lead the way!!!

REST = RECOVERY = GROWTH

 I've been studying for my Master Personal Trainer's Certification and I'm learning so much about the anatomy of the body and it's functions.  There are so many revelations I'm finding that parallel with the spirit world, it is blowing my mind.  One of the most recent discoveries, was how the body needs REST.  Just as important as it is to push oneself to achieve optimal growth through one's workouts, it is necessary for rest.  Experts call this, Muscle Recovery. 


I am an avid fan of the gym and personal training.  I workout on a regular basis, usually 5 days a week.  I do weights and lots of cardio.  I have been doing this for some time now.  I've always enjoyed working out.  I started about 14 years ago and really began to kick it in to HIGH gear over the past couple of years.  But I found myself recently becoming fatigued.  I wasn't enjoying my workouts and found myself dreading the gym everyday.  As I discussed my concerns with Ryan about how I was feeling he began to share with me that I was "Over Training".  Imagine that, me?  Overtraining!  I thought there was no such thing.  However, in my studies, what Ryan shared with me, was confirmed.  I began to study more about this, as well as, question Ryan a little deeper on the subject matter.  He began to tell me that a person can work and work and work, over and over, in the gym, and push themselves, but there does come a time when a person can "Over Train" their muscles to the point they become fatigued and reach a plateau.  A point of slowed GROWTH.  When these symptoms occur, your body is telling you it is time to REST.  


In order for the muscles to grow past the point you have personally pushed them, they need a time of RECOVERY.  This time of RECOVERY produces GROWTH.  How awesome is that?!  Get this:


REST  =  RECOVERY  =  GROWTH


As I'm getting this in my brain, I'm no longer thinking about the gym.  My mind at this point starts going back to my personal HELL I was in for so long.  I recall the day that everything changed in my life.  It was February 5, 2003.  I'll never forget that day, not only because of the devastation my life was being hit with, but because it would be the beginning of the BEST of Me to come!  When my world went from Sunshine to a Category 7 Hurricane (if there is such a thing), I closed myself off from everyone.  The only person I allowed in my life at that time was my Parents.  I literally could not trust ANYONE else.  For one year, I did nothing but read books, pray and cry.  I was paralyzed!  After a year had passed, I began to make some decisions for myself that would ultimately change my life forever.  I had no idea where these changes would take me and what would become of them, but something had to be done to move forward with my life.  Over the course of the following 3 yrs. or so I laid low.  I didn't get out of my house, except to grocery shop or pick the kids up from school.  I closed myself off to everyone!  People were concerned for my health and well-being. They meant well, but they all thought I would never recover from such a blow.  They all went on with their lives, doing what they do, preaching, singing, evangelizing, building churches, having conferences...you name it.  I just couldn't understand how my world seemed to have stopped but theirs kept moving forward.  After this season of quietness, I began to slowly start gaining ground again in my life.  I started venturing out and trying things, experiencing life, one day at a time.  I dove too quickly into some things that I regret, but God's Grace & Mercy brought me through and kept me all the way.  I'm sitting here 4 1/2 yrs. after my divorce and 7 yrs. since my separation began, and I am more fulfilled than ever.  I have accomplished so much on my own, that I never thought possible.  From getting my first cell phone in my name, on my own...to completing my Life Coaching Certification and Advanced Personal Training Certification, as well as on my way to achieving the Master's Certification in personal Training and Nutrition.  I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but I am trying to show you, by example, that throughout my "down time", which I like to refer to as "REST" time.  God was using this time in my life as "RECOVERY"! 


Now, what I want to come full circle to tell you is, without the REST, you can't have RECOVERY.  RECOVERY  is needed in order to produce gain...or, GROWTH!  Your ultimate level of GROWTH comes after the REST!  You can't continue in life day after day, doing the same things over and over and expect to get greater and greater results in your personal life.  Sometimes, you've got to stop, and give yourself a REST!  REST your mind, your body, your will and your emotions.  I can testify, that because of the time I took to myself for REST and RECOVERY, I can honestly say, I'm stronger in EVERY area of my life!  I didn't know I had it in  me.  I really didn't.  I have fought HELL and I WON!  Only because of the Grace of God and REST!  I'm headed further than I ever imagined in my life.  GROWTH  has no other choice when REST is applied and RECOVERY does it's work!  My Momma used to tell me when my babies were young and I wanted to wake them up to feed them or hold them because they had been sleeping so long, she'd say NO, they need their REST.  Their growing while they sleep.  


Don't count someone out just because you haven't seen or heard from them in a while.  They may just be RESTING for their next assignment!  Look Out for them because through their REST, they will receive their RECOVERY for GROWTH!

A Virtuous Woman...Who ME?

"Who can find a Virtuous Woman...?"  I've read that scripture numerous times over the years and somedays I felt like that woman, but most days I was the polar opposite.  I would beat myself up for not measuring up to this woman I read about in Proverbs.  


I must confess, I may have been born into the ministry and lived it all of my life but that did  not mean I was a scholar of the Word.  I remember in my younger days, my Mom would encourage me to read my Bible everyday.  I did, and I promise you, I never comprehended a word from my readings.  Back then, we only had KJV, so the Word of God wasn't simplified for my laziness.  I would get so frustrated because I never understood why I had to read something I couldn't, nor thought, I would ever understand.  I continued to read over the years and eventually, little by little, my understanding became enlightened.  


As, I became an Adult, Wife, Mother, and Leader in the church, I had to teach on the things that I would read.  It was so frustrating for me, because I was able to sing in front of thousands with ease, but when it came to speaking, I'd just as soon be covered in honey laying in an ant bed.  I watched other Pastor's Wives and Women Evangelists/Prophetess/Teachers...dear God, the titles that are out there still overwhelm me.  Let's just call them "Women of God".  Their delivery of the Word was so polished that I stood in amazement and felt less than worthy to do the same.  I was able to conjure up an idea for teaching, but when it came to delivery, I had to glean from others to create the message.  Then, when I would stand to share the Word, I would leave the pulpit feeling an overwhelming sense of failure, knowing they weren't my words, but the words of the one who wrote them.  I never understood why God would call me to do something I felt so uncomfortable doing, and the stress that came over me every time.  I mean, all these Women of God out there, traveling the country, raising their families, Pastoring churches, writing books, leading the Worship for their churches...I could go on.  They had a multiplicity of talents that I wish I had just ONE of to share with ease.  They seemed to juggle so much with such grace.  I hated them...LOL, not really, but I was envious.  It appeared I had it going on from the outside, to many, because I wore all the right clothes, drove the nice cars, lived in the big house, traveled many places and knew a lot of, what the church world, considers important people.  Inside, I was dead!  I was so far from the Virtuous Woman, I was the example of who NOT to follow! I had people around me that loved me so much they would do anything for me, including, put a cloth over my lap, wipe the sweat from my forehead, fetch me water, drop off and pick up my kids from the children's ministry...and so much more.  Don't get me wrong, I love these people, but by allowing them to assist me, I slowly lost my essence.  That character trait that I needed to develop into the VIRTUOUS WOMAN, God wanted me to become on my own.  Instead, of me helping THEM find their place in the Kingdom, I allowed them to assist me in mine.  I failed them in that respect.


A VIRTUOUS WOMAN, is not just the characteristics of a single female that existed in the Bible.  She was a combination of the greatness of many women.  I misunderstood that text for years.  I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, sometimes, so it has taken me a while to see this.  This woman is a woman I should aspire to become.  If I could just accomplish 1/4 of  who this woman was, God would be proud.  We try so hard, especially women, to be like other women and we base that desire on what we see, not what we know.  It's good to have role models (i.e. the virtuous woman), but it's GREAT to be who YOU are to your family and friends.  What do you have to offer them from your life?  


The VIRTUOUS WOMAN was a facade, someone who existed only in a saying, but, the characteristics of that woman came from women like you and me that were just doing and being what God called US to be to our own family and friends.  Don't be down on yourself because you can't BE and DO it all.  Take one thing you're good at and multiply that gift with consistency, care and courage.  Then one day, who knows, what will develop out of your faithfulness.  You might have to lay some things down and pick other things up in order to be more like the VIRTUOUS WOMAN.  Allow yourself to be sensitive in that area and know the right thing.  Remember, if you have doubt where to begin, let me help you...YOUR FAMILY, because they are the foundation we should build on to secure our future.  Be your OWN version of the VIRTUOUS WOMAN!  We don't need duplicates, only originals!

Note from a Former Pastor/Pastor's Wife...

It's the day after the Biggest day of the week for Pastors & their Wives and the pressure begins again.  The questions begin...'I wonder how people thought the service went?, I wonder if lives were truly changed?, Did we lose anybody today?, I wonder where Bro. so-in-so was, or was Sis. so-in-so mad at me about something? She sure had a scowl look on her face the whole service.  Did we make our budget in the offerings this week?, Will we be able to make payroll?...'  the questions go on and on and on.  It's been a while since I've had those concerns.  I stepped out of that scene about 7 yrs. ago, yet I can still hear the ghostly questions in my mind from time to time.  Especially, if I visit a church.  


When I woke up this morning something pulled me towards a safe I have in my room that has been collecting dust for the past 4 yrs.  Within the locked safe, are all of my journals from my journey over the past 10 years.  There are so many secrets and dark things in them, I've stayed away from them until now.  I've tried on a number of occasions to read them, but found myself weeping and hyperventilating from the torment my mind was in, not so long ago.  Today, I found the courage to delve back in them, and found an entry documenting this time in my life where I was overwhelmed with my duties as Pastor, Pastor's Wife, Mother, Friend, Daughter...oh, yeah and just being ME, whoever that was.  You see, there was not a ME.  Don't get me wrong, I didn't despise my other roles, I just lost who I was in the process of helping others find themselves.  I gave up Me, for the sake of others to find themselves.  Not the most healthy path to take, but I took it, nonetheless.  At the time of my  journal posting, I was so mad at the church and the people in it for stealing my family.  Then, when I knew I had given my all to serving the people, there would inevitably be that one person you do the most for, start running their mouth about you.  I was really angry...for a long time.  I was ready to give up Christianity, Church...the whole ball of wax.  Was it truly all worth the sacrifice of my family & my sanity?  Is this the extent of my calling?  I mean to deal with ungrateful spoiled church folk and cliquish Pastors & their Wives?  I apologize for my forthrightness, but these are honest emotions that I went through and I know first hand that a few, and I do mean a few, because I didn't have many 'true' friends as Pastor's Wives, were feeling.  There was maybe one or two Pastor's Wives that I felt I could talk to about how I was feeling, but even they, in the end of my reign...lol, disappeared when I needed friends the most.  I felt like I was in a Sorority/Fraternity and I had just got voted out.  


Where do Pastor's/Pastor's Wives go when they need guidance?  It was the burning question, that I lived with for years.  I mean, when I went through my divorce, the "man of God" that was suppose to be OUR Pastor decided he didn't need to be MY Pastor anymore.  I truly lost faith in the System that was suppose to cover & protect me spiritually....but that's another story for another time.  Now that I'm 'out of the loop', so to speak, I can breathe again.  I can hear God again.  I have a renewed Family.  I'm Happy!  I let other people's JUNK, clutter my being.  God didn't call me or anyone else to be that type of person.  He said we are ALL 'the head & NOT the tail'...'above & NOT beneath'.  


For Pastor's/Pastor's Wives who are reading this, this may the last one you read because I might have offended you, but I'm talking from MY experience.  I'm sure there are many that never went through what I experienced.  But, I know there are some that deal with some of these very same issues and have no resolution to glean from for relief or direction.  All I can say is, DON'T GIVE UP!  If He called you He will equip you for the calling.  I didn't have a choice to finish what I started, but some of you don't have a choice to leave when things get tough.  God is your strength and will guide you.  I encourage you to make time for yourself.  You can be of NO help to anyone if you lose yourself in the journey.  Saints, if you read this, give your leadership a break!  You are not the only people needing attention.  God gave you your own spirit man and told you to 'work out your OWN salvation'.  Grow Up!


I don't know why I chose to write about this today.  But I'm not apologizing for it, because I felt a strong urgency to share my heart.  I write this in love and humility.  God has renewed my mind & faith in so many areas and I do hope you will open your mind & heart and allow him entrance to do the same for you!