Letting Go...

It's that time of life again...letting go.  When my babies were young, they reached a point where they could stand on their own two feet and wanted to explore their own little world.  So, I put them down and taught them how to walk and I held their hands as they found their footing.  When they discovered they didn't need to hold my hands anymore they let go and off they went.  


Next, there was school.  Preschool, awe, I'll never forget.  It was harder on me than it was on them.  I cried for days the first time I had to drop them off for school.  They were so excited with their new backpacks, colors, new shoes and clothes.  It was so cute but made me sad they were getting so big and independent, but I learned they needed that interaction with other kids to help them begin to learn how to get along with others and follow instruction and teaching from someone else besides me.


Then there came the day, the dreaded age of 16 when, now it's time to get the Driver's License.  I was so nervous.  As I drove each of them, respectively, on their 16th birthday to the DMV.  I sat in the chair and watched them take their exams, then their picture for the license, then out the door with the person that would take them on their driving test.  I chewed my nails and fidgeted in my chair the whole time until they got the "OK, you've passed" sign.  I left the DMV with a knot in my throat and sweat dripping from my forehead.  I thought, man, this is it, their grown I guess I've faced the biggest obstacles I'm going to face as a mother for awhile.


High School came and went and before I knew it, graduation.  I took a deep breath and said, well, you did it!  You got them through all of their major changes and obstacles.  You can rest now and enjoy life.  BAM!  I was SO wrong!  I was blind sided.  The dreaded, Mom, "I'm moving out".  I knew it was going to come one day, I just didn't expect it so soon.  One day I'm holding their hands teaching them how to walk and before you know it, their telling me I'm moving out, Mom and on my own.


What do you do when your whole life has been having and raising kids?  I mean, I had a life that was mine before kids, but I don't remember much about that time.  It has faded in my memory, because my kids have consumed so much of my life.  I've spent more years with them, than I've ever had by myself.  It's like in the blink of an eye, the chaos and constant slamming of doors, the 'Mom, do we have anything to eat?', or 'Mom would you bake me some cookies?', and the 'could you wash this for me', 'would you sign this for me', or 'I need new clothes/shoes', 'I need money for gas', 'can we go...'.....the questions and requests could go on for decades.  You think to yourself when all of these busy times are happening, when will this end?  Then when it does, there's a tremendous overwhelming SILENCE.  Your left with nothing but you and your thoughts.  


The day my two moved out and on their own, the difference for me was, I couldn't stand over them and hold their hands to help maneuver there way to protect them from objects that could harm them.  I have done my part.  I've taught them all I know that is right and tried to instill the things that make up a man and woman of character.  I've exhausted my strength in them.  When they moved out I felt like pieces of me were shattered, and once again, I wanted to just crawl up into a ball and just cry.


The past few weeks have been very trying and mentally exhausting.  I've tried to wrap my brain around why I feel like this when I know it's part of life....letting go.  But, I must tell you I DON'T LIKE IT!!!  God has been speaking to me though, during this quietness.  I'm learning that those kids don't belong to me.  They were sent to me on loan.  God used my womb to bring them into the world and rewarded me by allowing me to share their formative years with them and help direct their paths for life.  Oh, I know they're not going to leave me forever, but they are grown and starting their lives and finding their footing again.  I have to let them go. I have to step back and allow them to start making their own choices, not mine...no matter how difficult.  Sure, I want to go by their apartments/condo and drop in on them.  Sure, I want to call them all day and find out where they are, what they're doing and who is with them.  Absolutely, I want to be all 'up in their kool aid'...lol (as my Aunt Babu would say).  


It's time, though, for me to LET GO!  Not walk out, just LET GO!  If I continue to hold on, then God won't be able to put His hand on them and guide and direct them into their future.  I don't want them to do what I choose, but rather, what God desires for them.  Today, I'm LETTING GO.  I'm kicking and screaming, but I'm LETTING GO and Letting God!


Breathe in, Breathe out!

'To Whom Much is Given...' What's your MUCH?

'To whom much is given, much is required...'.  That's what the Word says and what my parents instilled in me during my formative years.  Here I am 44 years later and those words still ring in my ears.  This quote is a broad statement and encompasses so much.  If you possess a lot of material things then you may be held accountable for more, or, if you have been blessed with knowledge, your expertise may be called upon more than the average thinker.  Could it possibly mean, the calling that God has placed on your life requires you to sacrifice more than your blue collar worker.  I'm not sure, but I think it means all of these things. 


There have been some overwhelming circumstances that have surrounded my life, recently, and for some reason this scripture keeps jumping out of my head and shaking everything inside.  I have grown frustrated with their weaknesses, becoming angry, even irate, over the lack of discipline they have demonstrated.  I mean, seriously, how could they NOT see the good in front of them and choose a positive lifestyle rather than the road they are walking now?  These thoughts have consumed me to the point of causing me physical sickness and lack of sleep.  Why am I being so judgmental?  Who put me in charge?  What right do I have to sit back and criticize how someone else processes life?  Sure, I've had my ups & downs, but if I could pull myself out of despair, how come they can't choose to do the same? 


These thoughts....all consuming thoughts!  These thoughts aren't making me sound like a good person I know, but they are real and I can't ignore them or act like their not torture.  


After, dealing with all of these fault finding thoughts, I found myself on my knees, asking God for forgiveness.  I, too, once battled demons that I didn't think I would ever conquer.  But, this scripture...'to whom much is given, much is required...'.  Why were these words so resounding in my ears and head?  I guess, for me, it was all about GRACE & MERCY.  You see,  I was given a lottery on GRACE & MERCY!  God's GRACE & MERCY, not Mans.  God's GRACE & MERCY see's the weaknesses and faults but, takes us in his arms and keeps us no matter the faults.  He looks beyond it all!  He sees the future of what we can be and the differences we can make if we will be strong enough to CHOOSE His Way!  It wasn't too long ago, I was one of those I've been having contempt for lately. 


I had to do a reality check, and Thank God once again for His GRACE & MERCY and pray that I may be able to do the same for my loved ones in need.


'To whom much is given, Much is required...'.  What's your MUCH?  Mine is GRACE & MERCY.